Sometimes I wonder why I even do this stupid fucking blog. I habemt done it in a couple days but I am now because sometimes when I write it out it all makes sense to me and I end up answering my own questions. Is that what this is all about? Is this how all of this started? All of the blogs out there and how they really came to be. There’s so many things that people will blog about and the list is absolutely endless but how is it that everyone finds their niche? Somehow I can’t seem to find my fucking niche. I feel like everything is so much easier for everyone else to figure it out and I’m just kind of left in the dust. Like I got handed some equipment I’ve never handled before with no manual but I’m one of the few that got a lemon. What’s the fucking point?
Why is it SO hard to find the words that we seek to convey how we truly feel about what we are feeling and how we express it to the people around us? There’s just a constant fucking storm whirling around and around and around with no stopping it. You try and try to find a way to calm the storm down and make sense of it. Why it happened and what the outcome of the aftermath is going to be. Why it chooses the targets and what direction it will turn into next.
Words are bullets and bullets penetrate. They can go in straight and come through out the other side and simply pass through, they can graze and leave a scar, they can lodged or they can essentially kill you. That might really be what it is we seek. We don’t want bullets to fly but sometimes the gun goes off and it was all an accident. You can’t take back an accident like that though but you can help bandage the wound.
What my ultimate goal this year, at least for me is to learn how to talk to the people around me and express what I truly feel without hurting anyone in the way. I can paint all the pictures in my head about what I want to say but can’t speak it. For some reason my tongue won’t allow it but there is a vast amount of images running through the gears in my head as they turn.
As much as I want to understand myself better on how to learn how to talk about things and express them in the right way I am constantly being shot down as well. So if others can’t seem to talk to me without hurting me then how to do I understand how to do it with others?
There isn’t much that I will open up about at all, especially when it comes to my youth but one thing I will say about communication is that I never learned how to communicate with the people around me. Not necessarily blaming anyone else, especially my parents, but I never really had the opportunity to know how to lay out what it is I’m really feeling or how to put the pieces of my thoughts together.
My dad was not a talker. If he got angry he utilized that with violence. My mother is not quite a talker either. She utilized that with silence and pretending there was never a problem that existed. I grew up in a world where people don’t talk and everyone either gets loud or stays quiet with absolutely no in between. That is just the way I learned how to do things which is why I think that it is much easier to write for myself so I can understand myself and others better than to open my mouth and physically speak. I was never presented with that opportunity until I married my husband and now I reap what I sow. I hope this helps anyone else that struggles with the same thing and maybe writing helps you too.
One of my most favorite quotes out there is one that really stuck with me ever since I read it for the very first time. It’s the one that I will read over an over again until my brain hurts from reading the same words constantly. The very best part about what is so wonderful this particular quote is that it is classic an everyone knows who this amazing author is. When reading such a small piece of information it can easily be memorized and hold the biggest impact on the way that you choose to look at things and how you choose to feel about certain situations. I want to get as much as I possibly can out of life and not live with regretting not doing enough. I hope this quote can help you as much as it has helped me. Thank you, Ernest Hemingway for making such big impact on mine and a lot of other people’s lives, giving inspiration and reminding us to try to live as much as we can.
Random thought. Today while I was at work I couldn’t help but think what the little things in life make everything vital in our lives. Take a glass of water, for example. We don’t think very often how crucial water is to our daily living but if we go days without it we feel the effects immediately. I was mainly thinking about what made me fall in love with my husband.
That, to me is one of the most important things about making a marriage work and last is the little things that bring us together. It’s the way he looks at me when I’m in sweatpants telling me I’m pretty. It’s the way he walks and his smile and how he laughs. All the things that make him individual are the things that make me so happy that he is my husband. When he wakes up in the morning and his hair is all pushed to one side and looks at me with sleepy eyes, THAT is what’s vital to me.
I think all of us lose sight of what is really important in the lives around us and what makes us the happiest and when. He will do very small thing such as see a candy that I like and bring it home to me just because he appreciates my smile.
So, if anyone out there reads this… What is important to you? Why do you love who you love and what the small things that make your relationship vital to you? When it comes to a significant other we also need to keep in mind that we are with each other. We are never against each other.
I have made the conscious decision to take all 365 days that I have of the year 2019 to try to put at least one thing out there on my blog. Not necessarily for everyone else out there or whoever reads this but more of for myself. Writing can be a serious outlet for me and I really don’t do it often enough. Yes, we all need a little inspiration to write and sometimes when you are a regular writer or blogger or whatever sometimes there are days that it just isn’t going to come to you.
But this will help put me outside of my comfort zone and knowing that I am going to be doing this for myself as an outlet every single day is very important to me as well as it should be for you. I don’t have anything else that I really do to help get my mind off anything and this is it. This is where all of my tension pours out. Granted, I have little to no experience as a professional writer but everyone who has made everything in this world possible, such as inventions and creating general things had little to no experience.
Before I decided to create this blog I wanted so badly to make it and thought about it close to every day but hadn’t actually gone through with it because I kept feeling like there always had to be one in particular thing that I had to write about. Then it kind of dawned of me that I don’t need to stick to one particular subject or always have a vast story or post for others to read. I need to do this for myself and the rest will come. I stopped worrying about how many views I was going to get or how much “wasted energy” I would potentially put into writing for what felt like no reason at all.
It turns out that I’m completely wrong about that because just knowing that I’m doing something for myself and taking the time to do something that’s good for me instead of everyone else around me is a good thing. This is where I come for a bomb shelter. I don’t need the approval of others on the interior of my safe haven because this is where I truly find peace. I’ve come here to ramble and connect with others.
I live a very busy, hectic life. Though I may go into it every once in a while I will not release any personal details but I do have a lot of things I deal with at once on a daily basis. I am married to a man that travels 9-10 months out of the year and I go with him for his job. We live out of a 34 foot travel trailer with a 120 pound dog and a small cat. I am a college student currently getting my associates in arts and getting my bachelors in graphic design and communications after I have completed my associates. I do work a job as well that I get to take with me on the road as well as my schooling. So, this blog is very important to me and just need to remind myself to take a break and a second and do something nice for myself which would be this and so should you. We all need to just be a little nicer to ourselves. Take a minute. Find some peace.
Yesterday I wrote about how being like a tornado can destroy the things and people around you as well as yourself. The destruction it can cause can do some serious permanent damage. We all have days where the tornados inside of us are a lot more winded than others and today was one of those particular days for me.
I won’t go into the depths that I did on my previous post but I did hurt someone very close to me out of mere communication. I feel like when I speak nobody is there to listen, especially that one person. Not to hear what I’m saying to to really understand what I’m saying and know the fine details of the words that I produce. You see, I know that I feel a lot different than most people and have an extremely hard time conveying my thoughts and feelings to those around me therefore turning into a tornado because all that’s pent up is frustration.
I need to find the safe space, my bomb shelter. I wonder how many other people out there feel the same way as I do and seek so hard to find a certain peace they can’t seem to come to terms with.
A lot of times I feel like there are so many more people out there that have it all figured out and I’m left in the dust of the mathematics of life. They’ve solved a lot more equations I have and have found what makes them happier and more at peace when it feels like the walls are closing in around them.
Such as painting, drawing, music, whatever the case may be I am not good at any of those things and have tried EVERYTHING under the sun to try to understand! My head feels like an overpopulated fish tank in which hasn’t been cleaned in months with everything just swimming around and bumping into each other. Where have I gone wrong? Maybe I need to not think of what I’m doing wrong but what I am actually doing right. There was no particular direction in which this post is going or has gone but merely thoughts that has bubbled out of me. For all of those out there that hear what I’m saying just know that you’re not the only one that’s lost.
Too many times the same things go off in my head. BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! The incessant sound of a siren blaring into my eardrums as if a tornado warning has just come alive and we are all supposed to take shelter now. But what if what we are hearing is not an actual warning but more of a sign in what we are about to become or do instead of what is about to happen. What if we are the tornado? We take heed quickly to put all of the pieces that is about to happen and calculate the events in what we think is about to unfold in front of our eyes but not enough thought into how we are going to deal with what lies ahead. If a tornado is coming what are we going to do to prepare for it? Are we going to take cover in the closest possible bomb shelter? Are we going to run and hide from it as far as our feet/transportation will possibly take us?
If and once you have gone through all of the possible notions in your head in what you plan to do when a terrible tragedy is about to occur we often think of what we are going to plan ahead in a terrible situation rather than what the cause of the event is. When dealing with your own emotions it is often like a tornado brewing inside of your heart and soul. We often think of how the worst possible outcome than what we are going to do about this particular situation. Are we going to destroy everything in our path and see how many lives we can tear apart? Are we going to be as destructive as we possibly can without having any means to stop?
These are questions you need to ask yourself. After we have a breakdown, a panic attack, an anxiety attack, whatever the case may be we have to think of the possible outcomes and who and what we will hurt in the path of who and what is in front of us. Every day I struggle with this particular problem and it wrecks the people around me as well as myself because I don’t think as much as I should about what the outcome of the destruction I’m about to cause will be. Granted, I now recognize when I’m about to become a whirlwind of emotion and stop myself before I pick everything up in my line of sight and toss is around like a limp doll but still have an incredibly long way to go. I don’t think about running as far as I can to find a sense of peace. I don’t think about finding my bomb shelter to go where I know it’s safe to come out after the storm inside me has passed. We all have our own tornados to deal with and need to learn how to channel them. Without picking up dirt and rocks and becoming completely out of control and dirty, we have to find what brings us at bay, what makes us stop and seek what we know is good for us. Find your bomb shelter, find your peace and never give up. None of us are perfect, totally far from it but we all have a chance to be the best possible versions of ourselves that we can be.