Why is it SO hard to find the words that we seek to convey how we truly feel about what we are feeling and how we express it to the people around us? There’s just a constant fucking storm whirling around and around and around with no stopping it. You try and try to find a way to calm the storm down and make sense of it. Why it happened and what the outcome of the aftermath is going to be. Why it chooses the targets and what direction it will turn into next.
Words are bullets and bullets penetrate. They can go in straight and come through out the other side and simply pass through, they can graze and leave a scar, they can lodged or they can essentially kill you. That might really be what it is we seek. We don’t want bullets to fly but sometimes the gun goes off and it was all an accident. You can’t take back an accident like that though but you can help bandage the wound.
What my ultimate goal this year, at least for me is to learn how to talk to the people around me and express what I truly feel without hurting anyone in the way. I can paint all the pictures in my head about what I want to say but can’t speak it. For some reason my tongue won’t allow it but there is a vast amount of images running through the gears in my head as they turn.
As much as I want to understand myself better on how to learn how to talk about things and express them in the right way I am constantly being shot down as well. So if others can’t seem to talk to me without hurting me then how to do I understand how to do it with others?
There isn’t much that I will open up about at all, especially when it comes to my youth but one thing I will say about communication is that I never learned how to communicate with the people around me. Not necessarily blaming anyone else, especially my parents, but I never really had the opportunity to know how to lay out what it is I’m really feeling or how to put the pieces of my thoughts together.
My dad was not a talker. If he got angry he utilized that with violence. My mother is not quite a talker either. She utilized that with silence and pretending there was never a problem that existed. I grew up in a world where people don’t talk and everyone either gets loud or stays quiet with absolutely no in between. That is just the way I learned how to do things which is why I think that it is much easier to write for myself so I can understand myself and others better than to open my mouth and physically speak. I was never presented with that opportunity until I married my husband and now I reap what I sow. I hope this helps anyone else that struggles with the same thing and maybe writing helps you too.
Love, the Unnoticed
Voices for the Unnoticed 